A few minutes left and the month of August will finally come to its end. If only I could fast forward and close it now, I would. August had never left me empty-handed. It always surprises me. Every year, something terrible happens to me on this month. If I am not on my most broke condition, I am emotionally hurt due to circumstances. I really don’t understand why it happens every August. Was I cursed? It has been a routine on my part. Nothing good pays me this month. Except that I am able to surpass those trials and learn from it. Good enough after all. hehehe. Now, I am sick. What makes it look better than leave me sick? Sigh.

A brand new month is minutes away from now. Merry Christmas. Yeah, as early as September I greet people happy holidays. Also, it is Baguio City day. I miss my second home. I cant push my butt to go there. Since I worked here, I have never gone to visit. Maybe because almost all my life, I have stayed there. I know where to go with my eyes closed. If I get tired here, I will surely go back there for good. I never thought of staying nor living here for good. This is what I wanna believe but of course, I cant foretell my future.

I cant compose myself really well. All I want is this month to be over…

This thing bugging me is gonna lead me to the dungeon if I dont do something to stop it. I am so freakin tired figuring out what makes my heart so numb. And I am afraid that even my relationship with him is dragged to this giant wall to boredom.

I dont know what happened to me. I feel like a ultra-violet ray had hit me and now I am feeling mal-functions on my heart. Fantastic! Hehehe. All of a sudden I feel frozen. Like in science, we have the process where aerobic things need carbon dioxide and releases oxygen. That is a fact and natural. As for me, the simile is that I tend to select only the emotion that would fit in my heart. And sadly, all that is filtered are just mere sadness, incompetence, boredom, negation and what not.

Maybe I am simply not happy anymore with what I do. The weather is fine so I cant have any other excuse for a reason. I feel like there is no more spice in my life. Everything is done so routinely. Maybe I need some change. An amusement park would be an answer, or a getaway somewhere. Aaah, I dont know. But what is definite is that it does not intend to leave my heart soon. How sad could that be?

My friend came over tonight for dinner and I slept instead of seeing her. I am so not me nowadays. I dont want the day to come and I will regret losing people close to me just because of this unexplainable thing going on. I sound so dramatic or give a big of a deal about it but hey, I dont know how else to say. Can someone slap me please?

***
I dont know if this is worth writing but I will share it anyway. On my way home a lady approached me and handed a piece of paper with a picture of a globe and a hand. The text read: sino nga ba talaga ang pinuno ng sanlibutan? Oh yes, you got it perfectly right. It was one of the afternoon encounters with the followers of a certain sect, which would be close to Jehovah (I am not sure).

After reading the novel Da Vinci code, I was stunned. I was jaw-dropped with the stuffs I had read. May it be true or not, such an idea is fathomless. Whew! Now I wonder what is true from not. There was line I read that meant history is a single-sided story. I kind of thought it is somewhat true. We never get to read the other side of the story.

Well, it had sort of stirred my mind. I know this is an argumentative topic. I have been exposed to a lot of religions and I respect each. The only thing that I am certain about is that the church will not save us. It is our faith and deeds. Does that make sense?

Then bonding w/ friends


My heart is in my hands
My head is in the clouds
My feet have left the ground
My life is turning around and round
And every voice inside my head is telling me to run like mad

Aaack! I am singing my heart out here and still this boredom and random loneliness is not getting out of my system real soon. I miss my old friends in Carnival. I miss the bonding. I miss loud moments of laughter, humiliation and still end up perfectly where we started. Despite the work pressure then, we can still manage to laugh it out and bug each other to death. But now, I dont feel so home at times. Not that I really care but of course, it is a matter of choice. Some sort of a wall is blocking me to grow. Sigh. Just de-stressing.

I had been watching the movies I missed to see on the theatres for the past weeks (if not months).

Fantastic Four: It ended too soon. The plot was obvious that it will surely have a sequel. I like Johnny Storm. He is hot! Hehehe. The movie was more of a prologue.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith: This movie was a hit because of the stars. Other than that, no reason to watch. The plot was muddled. Maybe viewers got overwhelmed by the stars and forgot what the story was all about. When the stars were fanning sporadic gunfire to the enemies came to an abrupt halt, the story ended. Just like that without even telling if the main man they are actually after was included in the ambush. Really, the story is messy. Sigh.

Batman Begins: It could have been nicer if the actor was not Christian Bale. I dont like em. He looks so stiff in the movie or maybe he was tasked to portray such. Still, I dont find him fit for the role. Here comes Rachel Dawes. True, I like Katie Holmes. But in this movie, she looks terribly awful. There are certain angles or facial expression that makes her look unpretty. Hehehe. Anyway, that doesnt have anything to do with how I liked her in DC.

If Only: I have been hearing everybody react that this movie is such a click, and that they cried watching it. Hmm, maybe I had expected too much when I watched it myself. I didnt cry at all. The movie is a low-budgeted film with stars only the main characters act. Yeah, the movie is sweet. But it could have been sweeter if they both died in the end. Better yet, since the cab driver was the villain after all, he should have done something to atleast save those lovebirds out of that car accident. Since it was a re-lived act and movie watchers are intrigued on what will happen, it could have been something worth the waiting. But alas, it was a tragic ending.

These are my own point of views. You are entitled of your own. Cheers!

I have constantly denied what I am feeling for days now. Maybe this is what Mikee called in her blog as mild depression. Hell yes, I am mildly depressed. Lowered because of unclear reasons.

I feel so fixated on what I do everyday. Yeah, I sound mushy but I really am sad. You may ask, what more to ask? I have my family, boyfriend, friends, and a job. But sometimes, I still feel something else is missing, something that would uplift my spirit. I know I dont make sense but there are just things that I came across with which unexpectedly surprised me. It had certainly kept my attention really dig into it and now I cant stop thinking about it. It is something that deprived me of the right to be respected as me if not as a person.

If there were one thing I would like to change about my attitude, it would be my being so sensitive in scrutinizing everything. This is one character I had strongly adapted during my media career days. I tend to feel like I am betrayed if I find out that other people are fooling me. I hate it when people look down at you and underestimate you, like a no-brainer to even notice. It really freaks me out.

I am sad that I dont feel so motivated to do what I do. Like at the end of the day, whatever I have done, no accomplishment at all. There is nothing to boast my confidence. I dont have a single clue why I am feeling like this. I hope it is because of the weather.

Right now, I am doing my best to rev myself up. I am diverting my attention to reading books. Yes, I am not as addict as others may be in reading. But I must say it takes a mood for me to start reading one. Actually, I kind of not like the smell of book pages that makes me quit easily. Tsk. At least in books, I can exercise my brain once in a while and think unlike what I do now. I hope someday, somehow I will find happiness that would make me proud. Argh!

I dont know if this is just mere coincidence but I came to realize that friends around me are (still) single on their late/r years :) no offense meant. I am not Dr. Love neither the expert. I am just trying to iron out the possible reasons that barred them to having a relationship.

True enough, life is a roller coaster. It is never fair. But having a partner is helpful (in some way) that you have someone to rely on even if the world turns its back on you. Yes, we have friends and of course our ever-loyal families still, we feel certain emptiness inside. A feeling that is beyond the universe can explain neither can a wonder pill heals.

Here are the lists of possible reasons:

One feels unpretty. If we are to tally, this characteristic will get the highest number of votes. Apparently, this may be significant. But come to think of it, physical appearance fades. It surely would not last for a lifetime. And what sucks about this is that it deceives a lot of people. If youre unpretty, others would see you unpretty in and out. People would even disgust you. It pains to know but this is true in the society we exist. We always have to consider what the society is going to say. We always have to act on the way the society would accept it to make us feel we belong.
Lesson: you only have one life to live. Prove the society wrong. If we keep on minding what other people would say, we would absolutely miss a lot. Dont let the physical beauty stop us from being happy with somebody. Of course, it should be a mutual understanding. Meaning, we should treat the same thing to that somebody, not to see him/her unpretty :)

No time for love. Most career-focused people would fall under this. They would reason out that work have been killing so much of their time. True but false. No matter how busy you are, find time to (atleast) meet new people. Yeah, you are free to scuffle my comment cause I myself dont go out. I have my own reasons so bug off! Hehehe. But the irony is that, having that somebody does not happen in 24 hours. It is like a seed planted waiting to grow.
Lesson: pray. this works mind you! :)

Enjoying single hood. No man is an island. Being single is great. But it is greater with somebody to share accomplishments and dreams. That somebody would serve as our inspiration to work more and do well. We often think logically that being single would blame nobody but just us. True again, but it is better to have somebody listen.
Lesson: let go of singleton. Give it a shot!

Afraid of commitment. This is one hell of a reason for people who have been there done that. People who have been torn so many times would have no courage to risk again. Well, life is not a bed of roses. Things happen for a reason. If we were to analyze, what lesson learned on the past would definitely be the foundation to face what is in store now and the future.
Lesson: take the courage to let go of the fear and get a life!

Not over him/her. If you are holding back on that feeling for a long time and you think there is a lean chance of getting back to that somebody, dont let it be the reason to restrict yourself from meeting other people. It would be unfair for you to suffer on it. How sure are you that the other end feels the same way you are? So think again.
Lesson: if you are meant for each other, no matter the distance and time, you will still end up together. For the meantime, go party!

Too late for me. It is never too late. If you think you are pass the calendar age to be dating, dont be! Who set a rule on that? Nobody. So dont feel shamed just because you missed to date would prohibit you from dating now. In this generation especially for women, either they get impregnated during teenage or give birth at early 30s and 40s. Dont feel too sorry for yourself. Somewhere out there, you are not alone.
Lesson: if you are over the courting (I dont know if this is still being practiced) , welcome cyberspace! You would soon realize that there are other people longing for the same thing you are. So go. they are just one chat away!

There you go. These are just some of the insights I have in my head that made me wonder. I know there are hundreds (if not thousands) of reasons for being single. I have not included the reasons such as: religion issues, she/he is affluent and she/he is not, standards-based judgement, etc. these are given situations that would need a different level of attention. hehehe. these are just hypothetical instances in my mind. respect it the way i respect your judgement :)

Well, this is it for me. I hope I made sense after all. Ciao!

Have you ever felt so driven on something in your life? The feeling that you think the world just stops, like no matter how you focus on something else, that thing is so powerful it draws you back to it. It makes you melt, an inspiration, a reason for you to smile. I call that passion. Something that you are crazy about no matter how small or big its value would be.

I know I am not the only one who has passion. Well, I have been watching the Dawson’s creek series and hell yes, I just cant let it go out of my system. Since college I have been watching it. I can well remember that I had a fight with my ex-bf out of that tv show. The sneak preview was on Feb 15, same date as my ex's bday. Hahaha. How insensitive of me. Hehehe. But I didn’t mind. After all, we weren’t together. I was in Baguio and he was here. Sorry, I chose the show over him. Hahaha. Besides, he’s long gone out of my system. LOL!

Going back to my passion, since I have the equipment to use in my tv production class, I didn’t miss to use it over DC. Each episode of season two was recorded on VHS. Yes, I did that. And I still have the copies of it. I regularly buy this foreign magazine called TV HITS, which has updates on the casts, posters, etc. mind you, I cut all of their photos and articles (about DC) and placed it in a clear folder which I keep till now. Well, I wasnt able to do the same routine in the coming seasons due to the obvious reason that I was studying, internship and all. But thanks to a friend who lent his DC collection which I intend to have it burned for my own keeps. And this is the same reason why I am not able to update my blog for sometime now. I am not obsessed of ‘em, am I? It just brings back the kilig in me. Mahal ko si PACEY! Hihihi. Swear, I haven’t been so attached to any unrealistic event. hehehe. This and the Party of Five series had always touched my heart. But of course, my attachment to DC is fathomless. I don’t know if you are appreciating what I am talking about but I know some would have this kind of passion like I do. Just admit it! Hehehe. This may be lame but what the heck!

*****

This coming Sunday (July 31) is the birth date of my dad who passed away 4 years ago. My mom might cook something in memory of her better half. Besides the obvious reason, this is also the day where the family would reunite. Well, that is what makes me feel so sad cause since he died, we never reunited again, and it sucks to know that we only see each other when there are people who leave us. The last time we reunited was when my eldest brother died last year. It is in some point disappointing to have grown and leave the life you have started with your family. Things happen so swiftly that everything ends up to just a memory. Like the saying goes “ nothing is permanent in this world but changes.” True enough, my siblings have grown and now live a life far from home with their own families. I am the only left single so I am no longer that much hopeful that we could still reunite completely.

My mom is somewhat jealous that we feast during dad’s birthday. We always tell her that (we know) she understands more than dad’s. Dad had always been very strict. Nobody could start a conversation with him. It was only me who could do that. Not a father’s daughter, huh. I miss him so much. I always get teary-eyed when I remember him. But now, I want mom to feel the importance, too. I don’t want her to feel belittled just because she is submissive or have wholly dedicated her life as a full time mom to her children. I have planned for something on her birthday but because of the VL block, I think this plan would have to be moved again.

***
I am sick. I had sore throat for 3 days and as expected, if not stopped, would eventually have colds that trigger my asthma. I thought I am gonna have colds. Too bad, it was bypassed. Now I am having this mild asthma attack. So I took medicine last night. Thanks to mom. Sigh, good thing the workweek is over. I have time to rest.

Okay, I hope these entries would sum up all the days I missed to update. Ciao! Have a great weekend you guys!

Thank God tapos na training. Hay! I dont have to mingle with hobbit. Yeah, itago na lang natin siya sa katauhang hobbit. Hindi hobbit na sikat o matalino kundi hobbit na papansin at nonsense. Hehehe. Nakakainis kasi pagmumukha niya. At mga hirit niya e sablay. Sa pagtatapos ng training namin ay sinama ko siya sa ring na tinapon sa bulkan. Hehehe.

*************

I went to the clinic today to have my bp checked. I have been feeling strange lately. Actually, its been a week. My heartbeat has been palpitating. I tolerated it for the passed days but tonight was different. It has been terrible. Some pressure is kind of beating it hard. My bp was checked and it is normal. Weird, so the nurse just gave me a pain reliever. Good thing it worked. If not, I would have gone home cause the beating is really odd. Somehow, I am feeling better. My friend told me that I should take vitamins to supplement my working at night. Arrgh! I just cant practice myself taking vitamin tablets, so big I could hardly swallow. tsk!

*************

Despite the rant I am feeling to hobbit, i got a good news from a friend. I am hoping that everything would fall into place. I cant reveal it yet cause I dont want it spoiled. It is very important to me. All I could ask from you now is pray. I am holding on to the good news...

*************

Today is our 2 years and 2 months with my beloved...to you, Love you!

"ano nga name mo?" isnt it pathetic when a person asks you this? that to think na magkasama kayo sa isang training? as if naman madaming participants. nakakainsulto lang na meron mga taong napaka-insensitive. ilang beses naman natawag name ko para mag-recite. mahirap ba matandaan ang A-B-I? there are small things (to others) that could be big things to others. hay! irita ako. hindi rin lang naman kagwapuhan e ganun pa. siguro nga maliit lang na bagay to pero nakakairita. it is so disappointing sometimes. i think im stuck, to a place where there is no other way out but the ultimate exit, to quit. haaay, maybe this is just one of the unhappy days when I feel sad and low. sana kayanin ko pa. i just want this week to be over!

*********

There are times that I just cant simply think. Yeah, I made a decision to quit school. I am not indecisive of it anymore cause I badly wanted it. It would be unfair for my professor and me to keep on attending her class with my mind frozen. I am having difficulties understanding everything cause I feel mentally and physically tired. I dont know where the problem lies. It could be me or the teacher. Or maybe I was just rejecting it? After class, instead of resting and recall what was taught, I have to go to work. It was my choice after all. Nobody else to blame but me. Though I am grateful to have learned the basics. It would be my foundation of learning it in my own convenient time.

******* *
Things I would do if I were not afraid:

• scuba diving (i always think of the Jaws movie)
• bungee jumping (the cord might just be loose, i'd fall. but i really wanna try this sport)
• hold a snake
• watch a horror flick (i dream of it over and over again)
• physically hurt the one i hate
• embalm a corpse
• make-up artist (of a dead body)
• touch a tiger, lion and a wolf
• live in the woods all alone

I couldn't think of anything more to write. Ciao!

ooohhhkkay...ako naman!

three names you go by:
1. Abi
2. Abs
3. Gail

three screen names you have had:
1. Alyssa_ashley
2. Mducks
3. Wolverine

three physical things you like about yourself:
1. eyes
2. hair
3. feet

three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. height
2. teeth (always have braces)
3. front (hehehe)

three parts of your heritage:
1. Filipino
2. Spanish
3. Spanish ulit...hihihi

three things that scare you:
1. any creature crawling
2. thunder and lightning
3. dying ugly (hahaha)

three of your everyday essentials:
1. cellphone
2. wallet
3. lip balm

three of your favorite musical artists:
1. boyz 2 men
2. the corrs
3. the company

three of your favorite songs:
1. for all of my life
2. thank God I found you
3. you've changed my life in a moment

three things you want in a relationship:
1. God-centered
2. trust
3. understanding

three lies and truths in no particular order:
lies:
1. somethin bad happens to you when you sneeze before leaving the house..LOL
2. life is a bed of roses.
3. the world is flat...hahaha

truth:
1. there are things in life that we can't simply have, the best thing we could do is to accept it.
2. water is tasteless...hihihi
3. after today comes tomorrow!

three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you:
1. nose
2. lips
3. butt

three of your favorite hobbies:
1. sleeping (it has become my hobby...LOL)
2. internet
3. sleep again

three things you want to do really badly now:
1. lie down and sleep
2. delete all my bills (if only)
3. be thrifty

three careers you're considering/you've considered:
1. journalist/host
2. lawyer
3. photographer

three places you want to go on vacation:
1. egypt
2. nepal
3. paris

three kids names you like:
1. alexandra
2. francis
3. alyssa

three things you want to do before you die:
1. see the great wonders of the world
2. own a farm
3. able to help the people i love

three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. im a WWE fan and love watching extreme games
2. i dont love shopping much as other girls do
3. i have the skill in doing technical stuffs...kalikot ng mga appliances...LOL

three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. i consume a lot of time dressing up
2. i look at the mirror every chance i get
3. can't go out without spraying on a perfume

three celeb crushes:
1. Al Pacino
2. Andy Garcia
3. Adam Garcia

my turn to tag:
kayo, na nagbabasa nito!

Hopeless. I couldnt think of anything more appropriate to describe the current situation of our country. People had gone mad, the nth time now. It is so frustrating that each day we dont progress to something better but to worse instead. How else are we going to battle life with these controversies? It is so shameful to other countries at some point. I thought while browsing the net for jobs abroad, if they would give attention to my resume. I wonder what they think if they read Philippines? I feel like it is not such a good reference to have come from the Philippines. But talk about skills, I know Filipinos are impressive.

I feel sad about these things. Here at work, we are like nomads to reality outside. I must say, call center industry is one of the companies standing still for now. Though I cant be sure up to when.

I have been so disturbed with the issues for the past few days. I know, im just one of the million population of our country. This just shows that im concerned after all. I maybe a wanderer at work but I have my future to look forward to. Thus, I have been diligently looking for other options, better ones.

Right now, Epifanio De Los Santos Avenue is filling up with a crowd of protesters, advocates and what not. I just hope that these people know what they are rallying for. I bet most of them are there just to maki-usisa with the front liners of various organizations and see celebrities and public figures as well.

How is PGMA now? Isnt ironic that amidst the diffusion of palpable issues about her, she is facing it all by herself. Her family left for the US instead of staying with her. I know I shouldnt meddle but I just cant help to see whats going on. After all, im a part of this country, banana republic. She does not want to resign cause she wants to follow the judicial process. Heller? did she do that when Erap was ousted? tsk. Maybe GMA is thinking that she is clever to cheat. Sadly, someone is more clever than her.Like what they say, if you commit a crime, make sure not to leave any evidence. That is her biggest mistake. She left traces (but not literally).

Amongst all the cabinet members and other high-profile people who spoke on national television, only Ramos did not deliver the same advise as the rest. Instead of asking PGMA to resign, he advised her to change the government to federal instead. Whoa! This is going to be a major chaos. How the heck are they going to educate millions of Filipinos about this? Roughly 60 to 70% of the people belong to the poverty line. The rest of it goes to the middle class and the elites. Family planning nga hirap i-educate mga common people, what more about a parliamentary government.

The other day Rona and me went to have breakfast in chowking. Surprisingly, their serving had gone little. The siomai we used to order had 4 pieces. Now, it only has 3. We started to question where the other siomai went. Sigh, it surely went to the tax expansion. Tsk.

Could it be the end of the world? In the bible it said that there would be a time that the waiting will be over. There used to be billboards in EDSA about God. Just a few lines as if the message really came from the Highness. I saw once somewhere between Boni and Guadalupe.

Over all, whatever issues we have right now may it be personal or national…I hope that in the end we will find peace.

it has been over 24 hours and the same "want" is on my head. im trying to observe if this "want" is just something that will eventually pass. but i think this time its different. i couldnt fight the urge. the calling is really pulling me hard. what could be on your mind? hehehe

well, i have been jotting down in my head the priorities i should be facing. before, i used to tell myself that i dont want to work abroad. i said that i will only go there as a tourist. but things are bound to change. i dont have the same reason now. this time, im very much decided to try it outside. i mean, work miles away. this is the "want" that continuously bugs me. i have put into chain all the pressure i had been thinking lately and this served as an awakening. i have been so laid back and have nully ignored to work my brains out to prepare for my future. im not getting any younger and with the circus going on with our politics, i dont think we can recover nor repair damages instantly. more importantly, i dont want to wake up one day leaving myself empty-handed just paying high prices of commodities plus plus tax.

as much as i am young and single, and since i have tested my independence, i want to try it out in a bigger world where my boundaries freely surround me. this is going to be a major leap on my life. the questions: where and when? i dont know. i am patiently waiting for His answer.

**************
MUST HAVES: the properties where i strictly impose my rules :)
A. In my bed:

• pillows
• blanket (it should not be wrinkled and color should match with the rest)
• throw pillow, either my kim possible or power puff (cant sleep without hugging it)
• eye patch
• cellphone
• nothing else

B. In my wallet:

• credit cards
• atm card
• id cards (sss, medicard, etc)
• photo of me and my beloved
• cedula
• membership cards
• cash of course

C. In my bag:

• umbrella
• cellphone
• wallet
• fan
• cologne
• my mini-clinique make-up kit for travelling (i rarely use it, only during occasions)
• face powder
• comb
• lip balm (really a MUST)

D. In my bathroom basket:

• dove body wash or soap (i cant live without it.i'd been using it for years. "whaaat")
• palmolive conditioner (the violet one. i dont need my hair relaxed)
• mane and tale shampoo
• fem wash (betadine)
• scrub/sponge