August 13, 2005

I have constantly denied what I am feeling for days now. Maybe this is what Mikee called in her blog as mild depression. Hell yes, I am mildly depressed. Lowered because of unclear reasons.

I feel so fixated on what I do everyday. Yeah, I sound mushy but I really am sad. You may ask, what more to ask? I have my family, boyfriend, friends, and a job. But sometimes, I still feel something else is missing, something that would uplift my spirit. I know I dont make sense but there are just things that I came across with which unexpectedly surprised me. It had certainly kept my attention really dig into it and now I cant stop thinking about it. It is something that deprived me of the right to be respected as me if not as a person.

If there were one thing I would like to change about my attitude, it would be my being so sensitive in scrutinizing everything. This is one character I had strongly adapted during my media career days. I tend to feel like I am betrayed if I find out that other people are fooling me. I hate it when people look down at you and underestimate you, like a no-brainer to even notice. It really freaks me out.

I am sad that I dont feel so motivated to do what I do. Like at the end of the day, whatever I have done, no accomplishment at all. There is nothing to boast my confidence. I dont have a single clue why I am feeling like this. I hope it is because of the weather.

Right now, I am doing my best to rev myself up. I am diverting my attention to reading books. Yes, I am not as addict as others may be in reading. But I must say it takes a mood for me to start reading one. Actually, I kind of not like the smell of book pages that makes me quit easily. Tsk. At least in books, I can exercise my brain once in a while and think unlike what I do now. I hope someday, somehow I will find happiness that would make me proud. Argh!