August 31, 2005

A few minutes left and the month of August will finally come to its end. If only I could fast forward and close it now, I would. August had never left me empty-handed. It always surprises me. Every year, something terrible happens to me on this month. If I am not on my most broke condition, I am emotionally hurt due to circumstances. I really don’t understand why it happens every August. Was I cursed? It has been a routine on my part. Nothing good pays me this month. Except that I am able to surpass those trials and learn from it. Good enough after all. hehehe. Now, I am sick. What makes it look better than leave me sick? Sigh.

A brand new month is minutes away from now. Merry Christmas. Yeah, as early as September I greet people happy holidays. Also, it is Baguio City day. I miss my second home. I cant push my butt to go there. Since I worked here, I have never gone to visit. Maybe because almost all my life, I have stayed there. I know where to go with my eyes closed. If I get tired here, I will surely go back there for good. I never thought of staying nor living here for good. This is what I wanna believe but of course, I cant foretell my future.

I cant compose myself really well. All I want is this month to be over…

August 16, 2005

This thing bugging me is gonna lead me to the dungeon if I dont do something to stop it. I am so freakin tired figuring out what makes my heart so numb. And I am afraid that even my relationship with him is dragged to this giant wall to boredom.

I dont know what happened to me. I feel like a ultra-violet ray had hit me and now I am feeling mal-functions on my heart. Fantastic! Hehehe. All of a sudden I feel frozen. Like in science, we have the process where aerobic things need carbon dioxide and releases oxygen.
That is a fact and natural. As for me, the simile is that I tend to select only the emotion that would fit in my heart. And sadly, all that is filtered are just mere sadness, incompetence, boredom, negation and what not.

Maybe I am simply not happy anymore with what I do. The weather is fine so I cant have any other excuse for a reason. I feel like there is no more spice in my life. Everything is done so routinely. Maybe I need some change. An amusement park would be an answer, or a getaway somewhere. Aaah, I dont know. But what is definite is that it does not intend to leave my heart soon. How sad could that be?

My friend came over tonight for dinner and I slept instead of seeing her. I am so not me nowadays. I dont want the day to come and I will regret losing people close to me just because of this unexplainable thing going on. I sound so dramatic or give a big of a deal about it but hey, I dont know how else to say. Can someone slap me please?

I dont know if this is worth writing but I will share it anyway. On my way home a lady approached me and handed a piece of paper with a picture of a globe and a hand. The text read: sino nga ba talaga ang pinuno ng sanlibutan? Oh yes, you got it perfectly right. It was one of the afternoon encounters with the followers of a certain sect, which would be close to Jehovah (I am not sure).

After reading the novel Da Vinci code, I was stunned. I was jaw-dropped with the stuffs I had read. May it be true or not, such an idea is fathomless. Whew! Now I wonder what is true from not. There was line I read that meant history is a single-sided story. I kind of thought it is somewhat true. We never get to read the other side of the story.

Well, it had sort of stirred my mind. I know this is an argumentative topic. I have been exposed to a lot of religions and I respect each. The only thing that I am certain about is that the church will not save us. It is our faith and deeds. Does that make sense?

August 15, 2005

Then bonding w/ friends

My heart is in my hands
My head is in the clouds
My feet have left the ground
My life is turning around and round
And every voice inside my head is telling me to run like mad

Aaack! I am singing my heart out here and still this boredom and random loneliness is not getting out of my system real soon. I miss my old friends in Carnival. I miss the bonding. I miss loud moments of laughter, humiliation and still end up perfectly where we started. Despite the work pressure then, we can still manage to laugh it out and bug each other to death. But now, I dont feel so home at times. Not that I really care but of course, it is a matter of choice. Some sort of a wall is blocking me to grow. Sigh. Just de-stressing.

August 14, 2005

I had been watching the movies I missed to see on the theatres for the past weeks (if not months).

Fantastic Four: It ended too soon. The plot was obvious that it will surely have a sequel. I like Johnny Storm. He is hot! Hehehe. The movie was more of a prologue.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith: This movie was a hit because of the stars. Other than that, no reason to watch. The plot was muddled. Maybe viewers got overwhelmed by the stars and forgot what the story was all about. When the stars were fanning sporadic gunfire to the enemies came to an abrupt halt, the story ended. Just like that without even telling if the main man they are actually after was included in the ambush. Really, the story is messy. Sigh.

Batman Begins: It could have been nicer if the actor was not Christian Bale. I dont like em. He looks so stiff in the movie or maybe he was tasked to portray such. Still, I dont find him fit for the role. Here comes Rachel Dawes. True, I like Katie Holmes. But in this movie, she looks terribly awful. There are certain angles or facial expression that makes her look unpretty. Hehehe. Anyway, that doesnt have anything to do with how I liked her in DC.

If Only: I have been hearing everybody react that this movie is such a click, and that they cried watching it. Hmm, maybe I had expected too much when I watched it myself. I didnt cry at all. The movie is a low-budgeted film with stars only the main characters act. Yeah, the movie is sweet. But it could have been sweeter if they both died in the end. Better yet, since the cab driver was the villain after all, he should have done something to atleast save those lovebirds out of that car accident. Since it was a re-lived act and movie watchers are intrigued on what will happen, it could have been something worth the waiting. But alas, it was a tragic ending.

These are my own point of views. You are entitled of your own. Cheers!

August 13, 2005

I have constantly denied what I am feeling for days now. Maybe this is what Mikee called in her blog as mild depression. Hell yes, I am mildly depressed. Lowered because of unclear reasons.

I feel so fixated on what I do everyday. Yeah, I sound mushy but I really am sad. You may ask, what more to ask? I have my family, boyfriend, friends, and a job. But sometimes, I still feel something else is missing, something that would uplift my spirit. I know I dont make sense but there are just things that I came across with which unexpectedly surprised me. It had certainly kept my attention really dig into it and now I cant stop thinking about it. It is something that deprived me of the right to be respected as me if not as a person.

If there were one thing I would like to change about my attitude, it would be my being so sensitive in scrutinizing everything. This is one character I had strongly adapted during my media career days. I tend to feel like I am betrayed if I find out that other people are fooling me. I hate it when people look down at you and underestimate you, like a no-brainer to even notice. It really freaks me out.

I am sad that I dont feel so motivated to do what I do. Like at the end of the day, whatever I have done, no accomplishment at all. There is nothing to boast my confidence. I dont have a single clue why I am feeling like this. I hope it is because of the weather.

Right now, I am doing my best to rev myself up. I am diverting my attention to reading books. Yes, I am not as addict as others may be in reading. But I must say it takes a mood for me to start reading one. Actually, I kind of not like the smell of book pages that makes me quit easily. Tsk. At least in books, I can exercise my brain once in a while and think unlike what I do now. I hope someday, somehow I will find happiness that would make me proud. Argh!

August 05, 2005

I dont know if this is just mere coincidence but I came to realize that friends around me are (still) single on their late/r years :) no offense meant. I am not Dr. Love neither the expert. I am just trying to iron out the possible reasons that barred them to having a relationship.

True enough, life is a roller coaster. It is never fair. But having a partner is helpful (in some way) that you have someone to rely on even if the world turns its back on you. Yes, we have friends and of course our ever-loyal families still, we feel certain emptiness inside. A feeling that is beyond the universe can explain neither can a wonder pill heals.

Here are the lists of possible reasons:

One feels unpretty.
If we are to tally, this characteristic will get the highest number of votes. Apparently, this may be significant. But come to think of it, physical appearance fades. It surely would not last for a lifetime. And what sucks about this is that it deceives a lot of people. If youre unpretty, others would see you unpretty in and out. People would even disgust you. It pains to know but this is true in the society we exist. We always have to consider what the society is going to say. We always have to act on the way the society would accept it to make us feel we belong.
Lesson: you only have one life to live. Prove the society wrong. If we keep on minding what other people would say, we would absolutely miss a lot. Dont let the physical beauty stop us from being happy with somebody. Of course, it should be a mutual understanding. Meaning, we should treat the same thing to that somebody, not to see him/her unpretty :)

No time for love.
Most career-focused people would fall under this. They would reason out that work have been killing so much of their time. True but false. No matter how busy you are, find time to (atleast) meet new people. Yeah, you are free to scuffle my comment cause I myself dont go out. I have my own reasons so bug off! Hehehe. But the irony is that, having that somebody does not happen in 24 hours. It is like a seed planted waiting to grow.
Lesson: pray. this works mind you! :)

Enjoying single hood.
No man is an island. Being single is great. But it is greater with somebody to share accomplishments and dreams. That somebody would serve as our inspiration to work more and do well. We often think logically that being single would blame nobody but just us. True again, but it is better to have somebody listen.
Lesson: let go of singleton. Give it a shot!

Afraid of commitment.
This is one hell of a reason for people who have been there done that. People who have been torn so many times would have no courage to risk again. Well, life is not a bed of roses. Things happen for a reason. If we were to analyze, what lesson learned on the past would definitely be the foundation to face what is in store now and the future.
Lesson: take the courage to let go of the fear and get a life!

Not over him/her.
If you are holding back on that feeling for a long time and you think there is a lean chance of getting back to that somebody, dont let it be the reason to restrict yourself from meeting other people. It would be unfair for you to suffer on it. How sure are you that the other end feels the same way you are? So think again.
Lesson: if you are meant for each other, no matter the distance and time, you will still end up together. For the meantime, go party!

Too late for me.
It is never too late. If you think you are pass the calendar age to be dating, dont be! Who set a rule on that? Nobody. So dont feel shamed just because you missed to date would prohibit you from dating now. In this generation especially for women, either they get impregnated during teenage or give birth at early 30s and 40s. Dont feel too sorry for yourself. Somewhere out there, you are not alone.
Lesson: if you are over the courting (I dont know if this is still being practiced) , welcome cyberspace! You would soon realize that there are other people longing for the same thing you are. So go. they are just one chat away!

There you go. These are just some of the insights I have in my head that made me wonder. I know there are hundreds (if not thousands) of reasons for being single. I have not included the reasons such as: religion issues, she/he is affluent and she/he is not, standards-based judgement, etc. these are given situations that would need a different level of attention. hehehe. these are just hypothetical instances in my mind. respect it the way i respect your judgement :)

Well, this is it for me. I hope I made sense after all. Ciao!