April 26, 2005

Hi, sorry that I dont get to visit my blog that often. I kind of hated what have become of me since I moved here in Manila. Everything seemed to have changed. Ive changed a lot. Change is good as long as it is for the better but in my case, its otherwise. Ive become so immobile. I was stock-still at my daily routine of going to work and home.

Well, yeah going to the mall at times. The fact, I just live a block away from the mall. I may be ridiculous but Im not really that much of a mall-girl. You know, like spend hours in the mall window shopping etc. I only visit the mall when I am buying something. I think my life is boring. I mean for a girl, mine is too lame not to enjoy. Sigh. Maybe I just have a different sense of enjoyment. Like nature tripping, go roller-blading. Partying with good old friends back at home.

When I was in Baguio, I used to be an outgoing person. I cant live a day without seeing my friends, enjoying the walk in the ever-famous session road. Eating a slice of black forest cake at the Tea House, having a pasta fiesta at Swiss Baker, and playing tennis in Green Valley. And oh, I just miss Don Henricos pizza. The DH pizza here is not as good as that in Baguio. Belisima! I miss my previous works. I miss writing news in publications, I miss being a college teacher, and I miss working as Information Officer, which brought me to places I have never expected to go to. If only the govt and/or other private companies could sustain a wage that is reasonable for us, I wouldnt have replaced it with an irrational customer I deal with 5 days a week. Sadly, our banana republic will never have a social dynamic order I guess. Lets see, I could be wrong.

Sigh. I just had to make a major decision in moving here for work. This is for the obvious reason that job opportunity there is not as rampant as what is here. Im supporting my mom that is why Ive worked my ass out to make it here. Yes, this is my own decision to help her. My mom has a heart failure and shes 67 now. Im just trying to say thank you for taking good care of me by the help Im giving her. And Im letting her know that while she is still with me, physically. Im not blaming her for my boring life Im having here in Manila. There are just but moments that I ask.

I dont know if my move of going here is such a good idea. It is, financially and personally I guess–like my own fulfillment for being independent from my family. Other than that, I have been through a lot of trouble. I mean serious trouble that almost killed me. I dont want to put it into details cause it is still haunting me at times. Though Im doing my best to forget about it and just move forward without looking back. And I could not stop thanking Him for sparing me another life.

I think what happened back then made me become this frigid. I just thought one moment that I have been missing a lot. It made me feel scared. Frankly, I dont even watch TV. I couldnt stand in front of it. Its like my bed is always calling me to sleep. Cause Im at peace when sleeping. Its my only escape from work, noises etc. Ive been such a waste. I dont want to end regretful. Im starting to move forward by studying Spanish soon. This is going to be my fallback in case I ran out of patience or one day I wake up and got tired of what I do. Atleast, Ive got something to look forward to.