I have been contemplating on a lot of things lately, things that have an enormous impact in my life now and the future. I wish that it is easy to just iron out the wrinkled edges of life but I simply cannot, because it is not perfect at all. There are flaws I cannot rule out and I get it. I am not worrying like hell because I know that He is with me. He is like my supervisor approving the things I do on earth then He signs it officially. The latest approval He made for me was my getting back here. And I am grateful that He sees how good my intentions are. Yet, like I said, imperfections are inescapable. It may not come from me but from others who surrounds me.

Rough roads shake me but hey, it actually helps me redirect things and really think a lot. Without these humps, I will never see the other side. And I am glad that I have seen it coming right before things is officially signed by Him.

Many times I wanted to outrun pain, but given the life stains each of us has, I think it is given to be hurt. Truly, a provocative person spins me. No matter how peaceful I live my life, it still would not work because of imperfections. It tires me at times but then I have to understand that I need it to make me feel stronger and experienced. It sucks that negativities help us earn the experience. This is one oddity of life that is based on truth.

Somehow I manage to balance pain and happiness at the same time. A true sense of being is to adapt oneself in both sides of the world. And so I make the best of both worlds for when time comes, I will have stories to tell my children about living in pain and in happiness at once.

It has been 2 weeks and my I am having the best and worst times of my life here. Best because I dont have to fret about the weather all the time. I get to sleep not worrying about the electricity bills that eats up my buck. I spend my time with loved ones. I get to see my old friends and eat the food I so missed.

Now the worst part is that I am having a mini drama once in a while in my life. Drama that Rona thought would only happen in movies. Oh well, life aint perfect. But I am still good. I dont let myself torn by it. Anyhow, it is still a blast!

***

Hey pops, it has been 6 years since you had been gone. And I still feel like you passed just yesterday. I miss you always and that I know you see me from above happy with what I am. You have disciplined me the way you wanted a daughter to be accomplished. Mom and I are just the two left. We have some struggles but I still am keeping up. I am taking care of her. I sure know you see that. I really miss you. See you someday. I love you!

***

DONT FADE AWAY

(And) I've been waiting here for you
Waiting for a sign from you
I feel very cold
That I can't smile no more

Your voice doesn't sound so clear

I don't think it's fair
Your dreams disappeared
I hope you'll be alright
We hope you'll be alright

Chorus:
(Father) Don't fade away from me
For you will always be
My sweetest memory
A friend so dear to me ...

And I don't mean to sound so sad
But if you only knew, I miss you so bad
I won't forget your life
We won't forget your life

Bridge:
I know it's gonna take time
But you will never be off my mind, oh no
I sit here crying many tears
But I wish you were still here

Public advisory:

This is to inform all of my concerned friends that I am not yet getting married. Hehehe, the purpose of my moving back to Baguio is far from tying the knot. I moved because of reasons that do not only favor me. Primarily, I am only saving just a little of what I earn while I was there. No matter how thrifty I get, I just cant outrun the costs of living. Secondly, my nephew is a CHED scholar which is only accredited in the Cordillera Region. Third, the weather here is one of the best catch greatly envied by you. Fourth, in cases where my mom gets sick, I have my brother who could help me look after her. Plus, we get to eat fresh veggies and fruits at a very friendly-cost. There is a lot more to say but generally, I just love it here.

Now, with regards to getting married, its not on the primary lists. Hehe. I am not the only one who decides on this. Yeah, evidently we are both here. But since I am the girl, all I could do is just WAITING. Hahaha. It will just come naturally I suppose. So my dear friends keep the fire burning. If it stops, light it again. Hahaha. Let us enjoy life!

The heat, the traffic jam, the metered taxi, the greedy drivers, the MRT, the bus, the giant billboards, and the friends I have met. These are what I am surely going to miss. Three years ago, I came here all by myself, as in just myself. No stuffs or anything to call my own. I was like an orphan with no home I could stay put. I stayed with my relatives for sometime, didnt work pretty well. Then I moved in with my friend. Ugh, terrible! Now we dont keep in touch. You know the bloody details so I dont need to put more stress on that :)

Anyway, I am leaving Manila. But despite the idiosyncrasy, I am leaving not by myself but with my family. No more feeling orphaned as well as not hearing bitter friends call me silly names just because they are having their most unfortunate events in their lives and put the blame on me. :) What can I say? The more you hate me, the more blessings keep pouring on me. So please, hate me! Hahaha

Well, I can smell the pine trees; I can see the clouds come down from the sky; the sweet strawberries; the fresh and cost-friendly vegetables, the really-metered taxi, the drivers, the houses up in the mountains, the bonnets and jackets. Hmm, home sweet home. I cannot wait to start anew here after being gone for 3 years. No regrets though. If I have not gone, I would still be this country lass earning just about enough to last a few days and then broke for the rest of the week. I could have not earned what I have right now. So I am going back home triumphant. Yez!

I may be gone but memories will always be memories. Aaaw, thanks to the 3 successful years of maturity Manila has given me. Naks, uuwi lang eh nagdrama pa. hahaha, la lang. feel ko lang naman mag-emote. Imagine how much I am gonna save in my bills? Whew, I cant wait! Hehe. I hope things go well. May YOU guide me, always. Thank YOU! Ciao

Thank you for letting me wake up another day full of hope that life will turn out fine just like a new leaf that buds out of a stem. I cannot thank you enough for giving me a life with contentment. I woke up today and prayed to you to give me another year of good health and good luck, to mold me to become a better person where I can be of help to other people around me, the people that I love. I am not here if not for your own purpose. I am here for the mission you have tasked me to do. Thank you for extending another year of my life in this world. To you up there, I love you.

***
Sometimes, I think that the oldest person alive is lucky to have spent long years witnessing every happiness, sadness, and catastrophic events on earth. If this person has descendants with long lives, they should start planting carbon under a mango tree or just plant carbon and after hundreds of years, that will turn into diamonds. Isnt that worth the waiting? Hehehe

***
Text messages the whole day had left me so overwhelmed that my family despite the distance, managed to remember a time to greet me. The funny thing I got was from one of my nieces. She asked me how old I was and when I told her, she was surprised that I am still single. Hahaha, makes me think I am that old. Tsk. I used to dream that by the time I reach 25, it is ideal to get married. Now, I am a year passed that and I still am not married. Hahaha, should I worry? Nah, I am happily attached. Just not the time yet, I guess. Besides, it will surely take time.

***
Inspirational Wishes:
Good health
Good luck
Happy family
Keeping my feet on the ground
Just the right amount of wealth

Material Wishes:
Portable DVD
Treadmill
Cooking equipment
Additional power puff collectibles
Estee Lauder Pleasures
NB running shoes

and the list goes on and on :)

Wohooo! I am so happy that one of my closest friends just got hitched. It was lovely! It was simple yet full of smiles and gratitude to everyone who have witnessed their unity. To you my friend, you have a new journey coming right up ahead of you. Stay happy and go ye, multiply! Hahaha Right after the buffet, Pims and I spent the rest of the afternoon out, unplanned yet fun. I felt freed for the first time. (hahaha) I havent been such an outgoing person when I relocated here in manila. Anyway, I had fun that day. Thanks Pims for that dvd shopping! See you there next pay day! My, was so happy. This is what I get when people hurt me, I get the good karma.

Sometimes I want to hate myself for being so honest. Why cant I simple shut myself up so I wont hurt others feelings? My honesty is often misunderstood. I cant control my being so transparent in my emotions. I tell people if I am happy. I cry to them when I am sad. I speak to them when I am disappointed. Argh, is this such a bad attitude? Is being honest not a good thing after all? It is so ironic that I wanna be true and yet others would still look at me bad. Well, this is so-called-life.

Wow, I didnt notice the time. One more month and a few days I will be turning 26, another crazy year to battle survival. As I sit and think what made this year a difference to the years that had passed, uhm I gained weight for starters (hahaha) I have been into a lot of self-tests in the previous months. Personal struggles that made me stronger and good karma in a way that had enhanced my being professional (if that is how you may call me working diligently, naks) Every sadness and happiness, I learn something from it. I grow and get to redirect my thinking the better way I could.

***

It feels good to touch other peoples lives. But often times no matter how unintentional we are with our reactions, there are still glitches. I have been into one of this instance. A part of me is regretful of what happened but another part of me holds it back. I know I am sorry for what happened. I feel for her son but I dont feel sorry for her. I have this guilty feeling for days now of how I may have wrongly treated her. And I kept on reassessing myself what could have gone wrong. I know it wasnt my fault. It isnt hers, too. It was just that, it all happened at a wrong time. I hope that she would realize what she had done. I am frank myself but know how to ask sorry if I know am wrong. I just cant figure out why she has to act so weird. Makes me think she is the special one. Hehehe. Anyway, I hope to get this over and done.

***

I am so happy to take my off today. Yeah, I have been working my ass off for a month and it felt good. After the lost months, I am just beginning to recuperate. Aim for more. Hehehe. Go Go Go! Hahaha. Ciao!

My, I didn’t notice how time flies. It has been July. When I woke up this morning I didn’t notice the tears. I didn’t want the dream to end because I felt complete. It was so real. I was talking happily to my dad in my sleep. I felt him close to me. His face oh so real I wish I could hug him. I feel like I am at lost for the first time. It has been 6 years since he passed away but the agony of longing to see him and talk with him will never happen in this lifetime. I feel sorry that he didn’t see what have become of me. He must have been proud. Amongst the children he has, I can say I am his girl. Oh, I just miss you my dear dad. Advance Happy Birthday. I love you and I truly miss you. I will see you in my second life.

I cried myself to sleep the other day for reasons I cannot tell you. Crying had been my outlet every time I feel down. And I prayed to Him to guide me. In my sleep I dreamt of a young white/beige horse playing cheerfully with me in a garden. I am not so much into astrology but just a brief interpretation on my dream, here is what I have found:

Horse: To dream about horses generally is associated with big earnings and will enjoy prosperous and happy life.

Young: Vigor. Freshness. Need for experience and understanding.

White: People feel they can rely on you. You have an abundance of energy and vitality.
Beige: Everything related with this color denotes neutrality and detachment. There is absence of communication.

Garden: Big happiness. Inner self .Suitable time to pursue love affairs.

Ref: http://www.petrix.com/dreams/index.html

There you have it. It seems that the reason for my crying is miscommunication. Other than that, everything looks pretty well the same as what is happening. Well, I have to think positively for this.

Rest day is the next big thing for now! hehehe

MI - 3 :This movie to be honest with you is not something that I would like to see over and over again. It is all about the stunts of Tom Cruise. But anyhow, good enough to see it in a big screen especially on a digital surround. Hehehe

XMEN 3:Sigh, another wasted project. I expected so much about this movie. I have waited for 3 years since the showing of sequel 2 but unfortunately, my expectations failed. From beginning to end I didn’t like how it was created. If only I could create my own story out of it. Really, it is not how I imagined it to happen. Tsk, I wish it was not yet the last stand. Jean Gray coming back as the Phoenix became the villain. She killed Cyclops and Professor X on the very first part of the movie. Mystique had been out, too. She was healed by the medicine created by Archangel’s father. I didn’t even feel Archangel’s presence. Tsk, favorite movie gone bad.

The DA VINCI CODE:What can I say? It was like reading the illustrated version of the book. Funny how people or should I say the church reacted about this. I mean, I myself am a worshipper of God. But having seen this movie wouldn’t change what you have grown to believe in just a snap. May it be true or not, it will make you think how incredible for Dan Brown to have thought or imagined such an idea. Watching this movie doesn’t mean betrayal. This is just my point of view. You are entitled to your own. Apparently, it may cause a great impact or shock you but then again, you would still think, nah just a fiction. Prima, watch it! LOL

THE LAKE HOUSE:I have always loved seeing Sandra and Keanu together. But this time, I didn’t feel what everybody felt while watching the movie. It was an adaptation but the plot wasn’t that romantic for me. I find My Sassy Girl far more romantic than this. I did not feel the connection of the characters in their exchange of letters. It was not enough to make their audience swoon.

Oh well, till next post. Ciao!

It has been June and I havent posted anything. Honestly, so much have been up to me right now. There have been changes, pains, happiness and what not. I feel swamped. I am flooded with a lot of arguments in my life, questions of how to handle tough situations in the nick of time. I didnt want to lay this information (in details) to you guys because I dont want circus. (naks, drama mode)

Sometimes I envy others like my age that can freely do what they want without minding other people. They can selfishly spend what they earn for things they want. I feel so ancient. At times when problems pour, I feel like I am too old to even live through it. I am not complaining but there are moments when I wish I could enjoy solitude. Of course, I sure know that it is bad to resent. But I feel like I have forgotten myself. What I have been doing is see how others, if they are ok, or if they need something. When would I feel taken care of? When would I feel like I am treated more than I treat them? Well I guess, this is how it is like to be a bread winner. I support my mom, is that enough explanation? Hehehe.

I realized that I am also weak in some areas where people think I am capable of fighting. There are instances when I feel like I wanna quit or turn my back on things. But no matter how much I try to deny it to myself, the truth will always be true. What I am sharing here may be fuzzy to you but heck I am throttled. I need to have some outlet for it. I get tired. And I feel like I have the world on my shoulders. Can somebody carry it for me, please? :(