Have you ever felt so driven on something in your life? The feeling that you think the world just stops, like no matter how you focus on something else, that thing is so powerful it draws you back to it. It makes you melt, an inspiration, a reason for you to smile. I call that passion. Something that you are crazy about no matter how small or big its value would be.

I know I am not the only one who has passion. Well, I have been watching the Dawson’s creek series and hell yes, I just cant let it go out of my system. Since college I have been watching it. I can well remember that I had a fight with my ex-bf out of that tv show. The sneak preview was on Feb 15, same date as my ex's bday. Hahaha. How insensitive of me. Hehehe. But I didn’t mind. After all, we weren’t together. I was in Baguio and he was here. Sorry, I chose the show over him. Hahaha. Besides, he’s long gone out of my system. LOL!

Going back to my passion, since I have the equipment to use in my tv production class, I didn’t miss to use it over DC. Each episode of season two was recorded on VHS. Yes, I did that. And I still have the copies of it. I regularly buy this foreign magazine called TV HITS, which has updates on the casts, posters, etc. mind you, I cut all of their photos and articles (about DC) and placed it in a clear folder which I keep till now. Well, I wasnt able to do the same routine in the coming seasons due to the obvious reason that I was studying, internship and all. But thanks to a friend who lent his DC collection which I intend to have it burned for my own keeps. And this is the same reason why I am not able to update my blog for sometime now. I am not obsessed of ‘em, am I? It just brings back the kilig in me. Mahal ko si PACEY! Hihihi. Swear, I haven’t been so attached to any unrealistic event. hehehe. This and the Party of Five series had always touched my heart. But of course, my attachment to DC is fathomless. I don’t know if you are appreciating what I am talking about but I know some would have this kind of passion like I do. Just admit it! Hehehe. This may be lame but what the heck!

*****

This coming Sunday (July 31) is the birth date of my dad who passed away 4 years ago. My mom might cook something in memory of her better half. Besides the obvious reason, this is also the day where the family would reunite. Well, that is what makes me feel so sad cause since he died, we never reunited again, and it sucks to know that we only see each other when there are people who leave us. The last time we reunited was when my eldest brother died last year. It is in some point disappointing to have grown and leave the life you have started with your family. Things happen so swiftly that everything ends up to just a memory. Like the saying goes “ nothing is permanent in this world but changes.” True enough, my siblings have grown and now live a life far from home with their own families. I am the only left single so I am no longer that much hopeful that we could still reunite completely.

My mom is somewhat jealous that we feast during dad’s birthday. We always tell her that (we know) she understands more than dad’s. Dad had always been very strict. Nobody could start a conversation with him. It was only me who could do that. Not a father’s daughter, huh. I miss him so much. I always get teary-eyed when I remember him. But now, I want mom to feel the importance, too. I don’t want her to feel belittled just because she is submissive or have wholly dedicated her life as a full time mom to her children. I have planned for something on her birthday but because of the VL block, I think this plan would have to be moved again.

***
I am sick. I had sore throat for 3 days and as expected, if not stopped, would eventually have colds that trigger my asthma. I thought I am gonna have colds. Too bad, it was bypassed. Now I am having this mild asthma attack. So I took medicine last night. Thanks to mom. Sigh, good thing the workweek is over. I have time to rest.

Okay, I hope these entries would sum up all the days I missed to update. Ciao! Have a great weekend you guys!

Thank God tapos na training. Hay! I dont have to mingle with hobbit. Yeah, itago na lang natin siya sa katauhang hobbit. Hindi hobbit na sikat o matalino kundi hobbit na papansin at nonsense. Hehehe. Nakakainis kasi pagmumukha niya. At mga hirit niya e sablay. Sa pagtatapos ng training namin ay sinama ko siya sa ring na tinapon sa bulkan. Hehehe.

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I went to the clinic today to have my bp checked. I have been feeling strange lately. Actually, its been a week. My heartbeat has been palpitating. I tolerated it for the passed days but tonight was different. It has been terrible. Some pressure is kind of beating it hard. My bp was checked and it is normal. Weird, so the nurse just gave me a pain reliever. Good thing it worked. If not, I would have gone home cause the beating is really odd. Somehow, I am feeling better. My friend told me that I should take vitamins to supplement my working at night. Arrgh! I just cant practice myself taking vitamin tablets, so big I could hardly swallow. tsk!

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Despite the rant I am feeling to hobbit, i got a good news from a friend. I am hoping that everything would fall into place. I cant reveal it yet cause I dont want it spoiled. It is very important to me. All I could ask from you now is pray. I am holding on to the good news...

*************

Today is our 2 years and 2 months with my beloved...to you, Love you!

"ano nga name mo?" isnt it pathetic when a person asks you this? that to think na magkasama kayo sa isang training? as if naman madaming participants. nakakainsulto lang na meron mga taong napaka-insensitive. ilang beses naman natawag name ko para mag-recite. mahirap ba matandaan ang A-B-I? there are small things (to others) that could be big things to others. hay! irita ako. hindi rin lang naman kagwapuhan e ganun pa. siguro nga maliit lang na bagay to pero nakakairita. it is so disappointing sometimes. i think im stuck, to a place where there is no other way out but the ultimate exit, to quit. haaay, maybe this is just one of the unhappy days when I feel sad and low. sana kayanin ko pa. i just want this week to be over!

*********

There are times that I just cant simply think. Yeah, I made a decision to quit school. I am not indecisive of it anymore cause I badly wanted it. It would be unfair for my professor and me to keep on attending her class with my mind frozen. I am having difficulties understanding everything cause I feel mentally and physically tired. I dont know where the problem lies. It could be me or the teacher. Or maybe I was just rejecting it? After class, instead of resting and recall what was taught, I have to go to work. It was my choice after all. Nobody else to blame but me. Though I am grateful to have learned the basics. It would be my foundation of learning it in my own convenient time.

******* *
Things I would do if I were not afraid:

• scuba diving (i always think of the Jaws movie)
• bungee jumping (the cord might just be loose, i'd fall. but i really wanna try this sport)
• hold a snake
• watch a horror flick (i dream of it over and over again)
• physically hurt the one i hate
• embalm a corpse
• make-up artist (of a dead body)
• touch a tiger, lion and a wolf
• live in the woods all alone

I couldn't think of anything more to write. Ciao!

ooohhhkkay...ako naman!

three names you go by:
1. Abi
2. Abs
3. Gail

three screen names you have had:
1. Alyssa_ashley
2. Mducks
3. Wolverine

three physical things you like about yourself:
1. eyes
2. hair
3. feet

three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. height
2. teeth (always have braces)
3. front (hehehe)

three parts of your heritage:
1. Filipino
2. Spanish
3. Spanish ulit...hihihi

three things that scare you:
1. any creature crawling
2. thunder and lightning
3. dying ugly (hahaha)

three of your everyday essentials:
1. cellphone
2. wallet
3. lip balm

three of your favorite musical artists:
1. boyz 2 men
2. the corrs
3. the company

three of your favorite songs:
1. for all of my life
2. thank God I found you
3. you've changed my life in a moment

three things you want in a relationship:
1. God-centered
2. trust
3. understanding

three lies and truths in no particular order:
lies:
1. somethin bad happens to you when you sneeze before leaving the house..LOL
2. life is a bed of roses.
3. the world is flat...hahaha

truth:
1. there are things in life that we can't simply have, the best thing we could do is to accept it.
2. water is tasteless...hihihi
3. after today comes tomorrow!

three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you:
1. nose
2. lips
3. butt

three of your favorite hobbies:
1. sleeping (it has become my hobby...LOL)
2. internet
3. sleep again

three things you want to do really badly now:
1. lie down and sleep
2. delete all my bills (if only)
3. be thrifty

three careers you're considering/you've considered:
1. journalist/host
2. lawyer
3. photographer

three places you want to go on vacation:
1. egypt
2. nepal
3. paris

three kids names you like:
1. alexandra
2. francis
3. alyssa

three things you want to do before you die:
1. see the great wonders of the world
2. own a farm
3. able to help the people i love

three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. im a WWE fan and love watching extreme games
2. i dont love shopping much as other girls do
3. i have the skill in doing technical stuffs...kalikot ng mga appliances...LOL

three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. i consume a lot of time dressing up
2. i look at the mirror every chance i get
3. can't go out without spraying on a perfume

three celeb crushes:
1. Al Pacino
2. Andy Garcia
3. Adam Garcia

my turn to tag:
kayo, na nagbabasa nito!

Hopeless. I couldnt think of anything more appropriate to describe the current situation of our country. People had gone mad, the nth time now. It is so frustrating that each day we dont progress to something better but to worse instead. How else are we going to battle life with these controversies? It is so shameful to other countries at some point. I thought while browsing the net for jobs abroad, if they would give attention to my resume. I wonder what they think if they read Philippines? I feel like it is not such a good reference to have come from the Philippines. But talk about skills, I know Filipinos are impressive.

I feel sad about these things. Here at work, we are like nomads to reality outside. I must say, call center industry is one of the companies standing still for now. Though I cant be sure up to when.

I have been so disturbed with the issues for the past few days. I know, im just one of the million population of our country. This just shows that im concerned after all. I maybe a wanderer at work but I have my future to look forward to. Thus, I have been diligently looking for other options, better ones.

Right now, Epifanio De Los Santos Avenue is filling up with a crowd of protesters, advocates and what not. I just hope that these people know what they are rallying for. I bet most of them are there just to maki-usisa with the front liners of various organizations and see celebrities and public figures as well.

How is PGMA now? Isnt ironic that amidst the diffusion of palpable issues about her, she is facing it all by herself. Her family left for the US instead of staying with her. I know I shouldnt meddle but I just cant help to see whats going on. After all, im a part of this country, banana republic. She does not want to resign cause she wants to follow the judicial process. Heller? did she do that when Erap was ousted? tsk. Maybe GMA is thinking that she is clever to cheat. Sadly, someone is more clever than her.Like what they say, if you commit a crime, make sure not to leave any evidence. That is her biggest mistake. She left traces (but not literally).

Amongst all the cabinet members and other high-profile people who spoke on national television, only Ramos did not deliver the same advise as the rest. Instead of asking PGMA to resign, he advised her to change the government to federal instead. Whoa! This is going to be a major chaos. How the heck are they going to educate millions of Filipinos about this? Roughly 60 to 70% of the people belong to the poverty line. The rest of it goes to the middle class and the elites. Family planning nga hirap i-educate mga common people, what more about a parliamentary government.

The other day Rona and me went to have breakfast in chowking. Surprisingly, their serving had gone little. The siomai we used to order had 4 pieces. Now, it only has 3. We started to question where the other siomai went. Sigh, it surely went to the tax expansion. Tsk.

Could it be the end of the world? In the bible it said that there would be a time that the waiting will be over. There used to be billboards in EDSA about God. Just a few lines as if the message really came from the Highness. I saw once somewhere between Boni and Guadalupe.

Over all, whatever issues we have right now may it be personal or national…I hope that in the end we will find peace.

it has been over 24 hours and the same "want" is on my head. im trying to observe if this "want" is just something that will eventually pass. but i think this time its different. i couldnt fight the urge. the calling is really pulling me hard. what could be on your mind? hehehe

well, i have been jotting down in my head the priorities i should be facing. before, i used to tell myself that i dont want to work abroad. i said that i will only go there as a tourist. but things are bound to change. i dont have the same reason now. this time, im very much decided to try it outside. i mean, work miles away. this is the "want" that continuously bugs me. i have put into chain all the pressure i had been thinking lately and this served as an awakening. i have been so laid back and have nully ignored to work my brains out to prepare for my future. im not getting any younger and with the circus going on with our politics, i dont think we can recover nor repair damages instantly. more importantly, i dont want to wake up one day leaving myself empty-handed just paying high prices of commodities plus plus tax.

as much as i am young and single, and since i have tested my independence, i want to try it out in a bigger world where my boundaries freely surround me. this is going to be a major leap on my life. the questions: where and when? i dont know. i am patiently waiting for His answer.

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MUST HAVES: the properties where i strictly impose my rules :)
A. In my bed:

• pillows
• blanket (it should not be wrinkled and color should match with the rest)
• throw pillow, either my kim possible or power puff (cant sleep without hugging it)
• eye patch
• cellphone
• nothing else

B. In my wallet:

• credit cards
• atm card
• id cards (sss, medicard, etc)
• photo of me and my beloved
• cedula
• membership cards
• cash of course

C. In my bag:

• umbrella
• cellphone
• wallet
• fan
• cologne
• my mini-clinique make-up kit for travelling (i rarely use it, only during occasions)
• face powder
• comb
• lip balm (really a MUST)

D. In my bathroom basket:

• dove body wash or soap (i cant live without it.i'd been using it for years. "whaaat")
• palmolive conditioner (the violet one. i dont need my hair relaxed)
• mane and tale shampoo
• fem wash (betadine)
• scrub/sponge

im back from 3 blissful days. on friday, i filed a leave to go home in pangasinan but i didnt go. i felt a sudden fear in riding the bus all alone for 5 hours. i dont know. suddenly i remebered a previous incident that stopped me. i couldnt drag myself to go. then i told my mom that i cant. i said i was lazy when in fact the real reason behind it is that im afraid. i used to love travelling all by myself but after the traumatic incident, i began to restrict myself. its foolish to jump into conclusions and get the idealism that same incident might happen again. though im just being cautious. i know this is vague. clue is: bloody valentine :)

so i went to laguna instead to visit my beloved. besides the fact that i spent time with him, i just so love the idea that i get to hear different side of story i.e. his engineering world. he lives with a colleague (guy) plus a neighbor who happens to be a girl, also an engineer. we always hang out at their place and have a good gab. archie's two friends have been gathering info on how a call center works. i think they're getting worn-out with their work and they wanted something new for a change. just an overview: these skilled people who are less recognized here in the Philippines are being paid just enough to feed themselves. they are working 12-16 hours (sometimes 24), 6 days a week (sometimes 7). they have to tire themselves that much to get some extra earnings from their overtimes. this is a fact wrongly addressed by our government. it is a shameful truth. these people are the real assets so to speak. take this, we need not buy computers and other technologically capable equipment abroad if we give them importance. their skills are being used by other countries (the reason why engrs go abroad) when in fact, if financed by the government, they can actually work here and produce our own products.

i know a little of this cause im kind of exposed to the engineer's world. another friend of mine, a chemical engr. she works for an airconditioning company (i think) in cavite and their work, they make the product then have it shipped to...say, Japan. surely, Japan will own it. to think that the produce was practically made here. weird but true.

its ironic, but when i started telling 'em how i work here in the account per se is not an easy one, not a standard call center support. they started to wonder. "we thought that work in call center is that easy, scripted, etc." sigh...i told them that life in a call center vary from each account. its nice to have talked about it so their half-truths were answered. it was a nice gab :)

************

over with teenage hullabaloo...

thank God im over with teenage life. it is also termed as the "mapusok" stage. i survived and outrun the temptations. it is very evident in this generation the rampant truths about teenage life. not only are their scumbags but also a large number of impregnated ladies have been overt. im not sour about these people. neither am i seeing them as bad persons. im just grateful that i was able to finish college and even doing further studies now, for a hobby though.

i have friends who are now happily married. they all finished their degree. coincidentally, "natural" calling came in. boom! had to get married. if you get what i mean. hehehe. my best friend is on her 7th month pregnant. funny when i try to look back at our fondly memories. we used to buy clothes for ourselves, but now she hangs out at the baby section. sometimes i envy her (checking out clothes for her baby) but the idea of baring a child myself is not yet what i want. but of course, i dont want to end my statement here. everything happens in the will of God. though i would be glad to have my own, in His time.

it is nice to be single and working. as much as time permits, i wanna invest on the stuffs i wanna have. so comes marriage, it wont be such pain in the ass to buy those at once. archie and me can always tie the knot if we want to. it is just not our priority right now. our focus is to achieve more on our goals and dreams together. these are all done in His blessing.

************

call me a loser, i wont complain cause its true. whilst everyone from other departments are on a deep sleep, we're at work for PA support. sigh...

friday sickness...

i heard this little girl asking for permission to absent on her class today. she was telling her dad that she gets colds in school. hehehe. nice trick! whilst her brother said that she may be allowed to miss school, but should not watch the television. clever huh! sigh...even kids get tired of their daily routine. more so to us, working. good thing i filed a leave today.

weird but i feel uber sensitive today. no matter how much i ignore things around me, there are still instances that they kind of bug me which is terribly irritating. im not sure if im talking sensible but im getting worn-out doing nothing. and this makes me go gaga thinking of nonsense situations.

i must admit, im choosy with friends. and its pretty obvious if i like a person or not. my transformation had brought me to boundaries i never expected. i used to be a slave of kindness and generosity to my friends. i didnt know how to say NO to 'em. until one day, i felt so betrayed. this was because of such a pety issue i.e. why daw do i buy expensive clothes. duh! its not something i wanted. i was brought up by my siblings to have what i want as long as they can give me. see, that pety! whats sad is that all of my friends were applauding on that nonsense issue. its terrible. everytime my sister is out of town, i used to invite 'em over to our place and made use of our 2 phone lines, watched til our eyes dropped, etc. only to find out that they were stabbing me at my back. and you know what's worse? they all went to my school to confront me that i had been telling bad things about them. mind you, i was having my midterms then. its funny that these were all fault of one friend who came on meeting me and them. she was the total wrecker. hehehe. the sad thing about having a bunch of friends and you happen to be absent, you'll be the talk. sigh

i cried for them. really, i did. i defended them over my sister but it was not worth it. i felt so alone after the incident. it took me months to recover. i was thankful that my family had been very supportive. i was wrong for choosing them over my loved ones. from then, i stood up. i am now the transformation. i cannot blame myself for being so blunt at times to other people. i have given up a little bit of pity. though i dont have regrets cause i have learned a lot from it and i was crafted to be a stronger person.

just like now, im kind of pissed off to some people. they irritate me so much but im holding on to my temper. i have done my part. im here to work and nothing else matter. i may sound selfish but i have been through a lot in my life. as long as im not touched, i wont budge.