Lord, ayaw ko pa. Wag mo muna akong kunin kawawa ang anak ko magisa niya. These were the last few heartbreaking words my mom uttered during the time of her suffrage.

No word can console my great loss right now. Every second that my mind is unoccupied, I think of her. And I still cant believe that I lost the greatest person in my life.

Mama, I know that you are very proud of me. I hope that in the smallest way I could think of, I made you happy. I was unprepared of your trip to heaven but I know you are safe in your journey. I knew you fought hard to get back for me, but your purpose in this world is over. I prayed and asked God for an extension, but there wasn’t any. You hadn’t seen me settle and I knew it was all you wanted. But you knew my plans and will stick to it through His blessings. It still pains me that you were gone. You were not only a mom to me but the best of friend, teacher, great cook and a humbled person. I promise to keep the good traits you trained me. I will forever thank you for the wonderful things you taught me and forever cherish the moments we shared together for the last 3 years of your life. I love you so much and I am missing you every second of each day, thank you and until we meet again.

She used to be my only enemy and never let me free,
Catching me in places that I know I shouldn't be,
Every other day I crossed the line,
I didn't mean to be so bad,
I never thought you would
Become the friend I never had

Back then I didn't know why,
Why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
all that you did was love,
Mama I love you,
Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,
My friend

I didn't want to hear it then but
I'm not ashamed to say it now,
Every little thing you said and did was right for me,
I had a lot of time to think about,
About the way I used to be,
Never had a sense of my responsibility.

Back then I didn't know why,
Why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
All that you did was love,
Mama I love you,
Mama I care,
Mama I love you,
Mama my friend,
My friend

But now I'm sure I know why,
Why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
All I can give you is love,
Mama I love you,
Mama I care,
Mama I love you,
Mama my friend,
My friend
Mama I love you,
Mama I care,
Mama I love you,
Mama my friend,
You're my friend

To all of you, I no longer have a parent alive. I hope that this will serve as an inspiration for you to spend each moment with your parents while you can hug them warmly, while you can say sorry, and i love you. For when the time comes, when they are gone, only in dreams will each longing be filled.

Hi, I feel like ages since the last time I posted something here. I have been caught up in a lot of personal errands for the couple of months. And, I never really had a break for myself since I got back. When the hiatus Taiwan earthquake disrupted internet connection day after Christmas, I shoved off the papers and see what I can possibly do to get extra money for the lost hours I had at work. Luckily, I found one which up to now is helping me reach my goal.

You know what, this year welcomed me with one of the shocking gossip I have ever heard about me in my entire life. The source leaked a very unreliable information about me spreading rumor that I am pregnant. Yes, you read it right. And my, I was at the brink of anger when the news came to me. Apparently, I was really mad. But then eventually, when I calmed myself down I laughed my ass off. What on earth is that person thinking to spread such? Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Gosh, I never thought I would be hell popular here haha and so I told my boyfriend that once and for all I wanna answer whatever hypothesis they have and set up a press conference. LOL one more thing that made me really think was, damn am I that fat already? Haha. Anyway, whatever these people are thinking I know the truth and nothing but the truth so help me God. Hehe. The good thing about being a victim of stuffs like this, I get the good karma. Now, I am one step up my job *winks*

So what is it about me lately? Hmm, if I am not working, the only thing that really keeps me out of stress is of course watching TiVo series. I am such a junkie. And Prison Break is on my hotlist right now (daydreams Michael Scofield) I am so hooked that I think I have influenced everyone here at home to join my madness hehe or maybe they just don’t have a choice.

Anyway, my mind is all mixed up right now. But I just wanna let you know that I am still doing pretty good and able to manage everything despite some shortcomings. But! Just to make it perfectly clear, I aint pregnant. hihi

This is going to be a tough year for me. I am not used to counting my age but knowing it is 2007, whew the big 30 is three years away. So I am preparing myself for the future. I know for certain that He is always there to guide me.

This is it for now. What about you, how have you been?

Happy Holidays! Wow, it seems that time is really getting away from me as quickly as it can. Last year, I spent Christmas and New Year in Manila with just my mom, sister and niece. It was not as fun-filled as my holidays today. I have my brother and his family who came to celebrate Christmas with us. It was great! And my, I really get to splurge on a lot of strawberries, free strawberries fresh from the garden. Yum yum! And I am grateful that I see my mom happy here. I could not compare how glad she is that we are finally back. Except that we miss some of the Manila easy-life thingy such as having everything delivered. Here, we have to manually carry water refills and LPG gas. Yeah, real pain. Sigh, we are getting used to that setup. Eventually, we will master it! haha

***
However, not all Christmas is merry I guess. My high school friend’s boyfriend died last week. He died of cancer where symptoms came late. It is an awful thing to celebrate the holidays. And what sucks more is that they had plans of getting married this January. It really saddened me to know those details. He was a good person, no vices, just plain good. Then she started to advise me of things I should be mindful of. It gets me into thinking. It scares me to make plans. I know everything is in His hands but then again, I cannot be confident to assure things would fall accordingly. And so I pray each time that He would always lead us to the path He wants us to, together I hope.

***
Ok, on the other hand, I kept myself busy watching a lot of movies during my off. By the way, it is my first time in 3 years to spend Christmas without work. Wohoo! Cheers! Hehe. Advisory: These are just opinions I have about the movies. Here are the lists:

Step Up: I am a fanatic when it comes to dancing. This is a super fun movie for me. Plus, the lead actor looks like my cutie nephew. Hihi. I loved their dance moves and the music. Reminds me of my high school days J

Happy Feet: The people behind this movie must be on his/her gravest hallucination to come up with such a penguin world. LOL. But then it was cute.

You, Me and Dupree: Funny flick. I can never imagine a married life living with a crazy person. haha!

John Tucker Must Die: A movie about girls who would like to get even to a guy who just dumped them. It is a very Western-ish movie.

World Trade Center: I expected too much on this movie. I think the news on TiVo is far more concrete than the information depicted on this. Yeah, it is tragic but I remember John McLaughlin (starred by Nicolas Cage) is not actually a white but a black man. So how can it be credible when the people behind this movie based the information from McLaughlin and Jimena? These are the two people, 2 out of 20 survivors from the 2749 deaths L The movie was made when the real John McLaughlin appeared 2 years after the tragedy. So where did they get the information? How did they create an identity that is wrong? I mean not wrong per se but you know, it will get you curious. They should have gathered more than rush. Hmm, it really gets me into thinking. Till next post, happy holidays everyone!

I have been contemplating on a lot of things lately, things that have an enormous impact in my life now and the future. I wish that it is easy to just iron out the wrinkled edges of life but I simply cannot, because it is not perfect at all. There are flaws I cannot rule out and I get it. I am not worrying like hell because I know that He is with me. He is like my supervisor approving the things I do on earth then He signs it officially. The latest approval He made for me was my getting back here. And I am grateful that He sees how good my intentions are. Yet, like I said, imperfections are inescapable. It may not come from me but from others who surrounds me.

Rough roads shake me but hey, it actually helps me redirect things and really think a lot. Without these humps, I will never see the other side. And I am glad that I have seen it coming right before things is officially signed by Him.

Many times I wanted to outrun pain, but given the life stains each of us has, I think it is given to be hurt. Truly, a provocative person spins me. No matter how peaceful I live my life, it still would not work because of imperfections. It tires me at times but then I have to understand that I need it to make me feel stronger and experienced. It sucks that negativities help us earn the experience. This is one oddity of life that is based on truth.

Somehow I manage to balance pain and happiness at the same time. A true sense of being is to adapt oneself in both sides of the world. And so I make the best of both worlds for when time comes, I will have stories to tell my children about living in pain and in happiness at once.

It has been 2 weeks and my I am having the best and worst times of my life here. Best because I dont have to fret about the weather all the time. I get to sleep not worrying about the electricity bills that eats up my buck. I spend my time with loved ones. I get to see my old friends and eat the food I so missed.

Now the worst part is that I am having a mini drama once in a while in my life. Drama that Rona thought would only happen in movies. Oh well, life aint perfect. But I am still good. I dont let myself torn by it. Anyhow, it is still a blast!

***

Hey pops, it has been 6 years since you had been gone. And I still feel like you passed just yesterday. I miss you always and that I know you see me from above happy with what I am. You have disciplined me the way you wanted a daughter to be accomplished. Mom and I are just the two left. We have some struggles but I still am keeping up. I am taking care of her. I sure know you see that. I really miss you. See you someday. I love you!

***

DONT FADE AWAY

(And) I've been waiting here for you
Waiting for a sign from you
I feel very cold
That I can't smile no more

Your voice doesn't sound so clear

I don't think it's fair
Your dreams disappeared
I hope you'll be alright
We hope you'll be alright

Chorus:
(Father) Don't fade away from me
For you will always be
My sweetest memory
A friend so dear to me ...

And I don't mean to sound so sad
But if you only knew, I miss you so bad
I won't forget your life
We won't forget your life

Bridge:
I know it's gonna take time
But you will never be off my mind, oh no
I sit here crying many tears
But I wish you were still here

Public advisory:

This is to inform all of my concerned friends that I am not yet getting married. Hehehe, the purpose of my moving back to Baguio is far from tying the knot. I moved because of reasons that do not only favor me. Primarily, I am only saving just a little of what I earn while I was there. No matter how thrifty I get, I just cant outrun the costs of living. Secondly, my nephew is a CHED scholar which is only accredited in the Cordillera Region. Third, the weather here is one of the best catch greatly envied by you. Fourth, in cases where my mom gets sick, I have my brother who could help me look after her. Plus, we get to eat fresh veggies and fruits at a very friendly-cost. There is a lot more to say but generally, I just love it here.

Now, with regards to getting married, its not on the primary lists. Hehe. I am not the only one who decides on this. Yeah, evidently we are both here. But since I am the girl, all I could do is just WAITING. Hahaha. It will just come naturally I suppose. So my dear friends keep the fire burning. If it stops, light it again. Hahaha. Let us enjoy life!

The heat, the traffic jam, the metered taxi, the greedy drivers, the MRT, the bus, the giant billboards, and the friends I have met. These are what I am surely going to miss. Three years ago, I came here all by myself, as in just myself. No stuffs or anything to call my own. I was like an orphan with no home I could stay put. I stayed with my relatives for sometime, didnt work pretty well. Then I moved in with my friend. Ugh, terrible! Now we dont keep in touch. You know the bloody details so I dont need to put more stress on that :)

Anyway, I am leaving Manila. But despite the idiosyncrasy, I am leaving not by myself but with my family. No more feeling orphaned as well as not hearing bitter friends call me silly names just because they are having their most unfortunate events in their lives and put the blame on me. :) What can I say? The more you hate me, the more blessings keep pouring on me. So please, hate me! Hahaha

Well, I can smell the pine trees; I can see the clouds come down from the sky; the sweet strawberries; the fresh and cost-friendly vegetables, the really-metered taxi, the drivers, the houses up in the mountains, the bonnets and jackets. Hmm, home sweet home. I cannot wait to start anew here after being gone for 3 years. No regrets though. If I have not gone, I would still be this country lass earning just about enough to last a few days and then broke for the rest of the week. I could have not earned what I have right now. So I am going back home triumphant. Yez!

I may be gone but memories will always be memories. Aaaw, thanks to the 3 successful years of maturity Manila has given me. Naks, uuwi lang eh nagdrama pa. hahaha, la lang. feel ko lang naman mag-emote. Imagine how much I am gonna save in my bills? Whew, I cant wait! Hehe. I hope things go well. May YOU guide me, always. Thank YOU! Ciao

Thank you for letting me wake up another day full of hope that life will turn out fine just like a new leaf that buds out of a stem. I cannot thank you enough for giving me a life with contentment. I woke up today and prayed to you to give me another year of good health and good luck, to mold me to become a better person where I can be of help to other people around me, the people that I love. I am not here if not for your own purpose. I am here for the mission you have tasked me to do. Thank you for extending another year of my life in this world. To you up there, I love you.

***
Sometimes, I think that the oldest person alive is lucky to have spent long years witnessing every happiness, sadness, and catastrophic events on earth. If this person has descendants with long lives, they should start planting carbon under a mango tree or just plant carbon and after hundreds of years, that will turn into diamonds. Isnt that worth the waiting? Hehehe

***
Text messages the whole day had left me so overwhelmed that my family despite the distance, managed to remember a time to greet me. The funny thing I got was from one of my nieces. She asked me how old I was and when I told her, she was surprised that I am still single. Hahaha, makes me think I am that old. Tsk. I used to dream that by the time I reach 25, it is ideal to get married. Now, I am a year passed that and I still am not married. Hahaha, should I worry? Nah, I am happily attached. Just not the time yet, I guess. Besides, it will surely take time.

***
Inspirational Wishes:
Good health
Good luck
Happy family
Keeping my feet on the ground
Just the right amount of wealth

Material Wishes:
Portable DVD
Treadmill
Cooking equipment
Additional power puff collectibles
Estee Lauder Pleasures
NB running shoes

and the list goes on and on :)

Wohooo! I am so happy that one of my closest friends just got hitched. It was lovely! It was simple yet full of smiles and gratitude to everyone who have witnessed their unity. To you my friend, you have a new journey coming right up ahead of you. Stay happy and go ye, multiply! Hahaha Right after the buffet, Pims and I spent the rest of the afternoon out, unplanned yet fun. I felt freed for the first time. (hahaha) I havent been such an outgoing person when I relocated here in manila. Anyway, I had fun that day. Thanks Pims for that dvd shopping! See you there next pay day! My, was so happy. This is what I get when people hurt me, I get the good karma.

Sometimes I want to hate myself for being so honest. Why cant I simple shut myself up so I wont hurt others feelings? My honesty is often misunderstood. I cant control my being so transparent in my emotions. I tell people if I am happy. I cry to them when I am sad. I speak to them when I am disappointed. Argh, is this such a bad attitude? Is being honest not a good thing after all? It is so ironic that I wanna be true and yet others would still look at me bad. Well, this is so-called-life.

Wow, I didnt notice the time. One more month and a few days I will be turning 26, another crazy year to battle survival. As I sit and think what made this year a difference to the years that had passed, uhm I gained weight for starters (hahaha) I have been into a lot of self-tests in the previous months. Personal struggles that made me stronger and good karma in a way that had enhanced my being professional (if that is how you may call me working diligently, naks) Every sadness and happiness, I learn something from it. I grow and get to redirect my thinking the better way I could.

***

It feels good to touch other peoples lives. But often times no matter how unintentional we are with our reactions, there are still glitches. I have been into one of this instance. A part of me is regretful of what happened but another part of me holds it back. I know I am sorry for what happened. I feel for her son but I dont feel sorry for her. I have this guilty feeling for days now of how I may have wrongly treated her. And I kept on reassessing myself what could have gone wrong. I know it wasnt my fault. It isnt hers, too. It was just that, it all happened at a wrong time. I hope that she would realize what she had done. I am frank myself but know how to ask sorry if I know am wrong. I just cant figure out why she has to act so weird. Makes me think she is the special one. Hehehe. Anyway, I hope to get this over and done.

***

I am so happy to take my off today. Yeah, I have been working my ass off for a month and it felt good. After the lost months, I am just beginning to recuperate. Aim for more. Hehehe. Go Go Go! Hahaha. Ciao!

My, I didn’t notice how time flies. It has been July. When I woke up this morning I didn’t notice the tears. I didn’t want the dream to end because I felt complete. It was so real. I was talking happily to my dad in my sleep. I felt him close to me. His face oh so real I wish I could hug him. I feel like I am at lost for the first time. It has been 6 years since he passed away but the agony of longing to see him and talk with him will never happen in this lifetime. I feel sorry that he didn’t see what have become of me. He must have been proud. Amongst the children he has, I can say I am his girl. Oh, I just miss you my dear dad. Advance Happy Birthday. I love you and I truly miss you. I will see you in my second life.