Last Monday, I couldn’t sleep. Strange but I was up all night. And I felt like maybe my mom was with me trying to say something or maybe just looking at me in bed. Since her death, I always imagined the movie Ghost. I feel like she is always here keeping an eye on things.

I had the broken heart for the passed two weeks. I grieved terribly each day because there’s a part of me that blames myself for what happened. And I cant stop thinking about it. I drowned myself believing it was my fault. Though I did say sorry to mom a thousand times but it just aint enough because I wanna know that she accepted it. I know it was meant to happen but I still feel this certain emotional baggage that is blocking some airway in my heart telling, what if things were different. I had this feeling because I don’t want my siblings to think that I didn’t take good care of her. I gave up my comfort zone a few years ago so I can look after her. And I often tell my friends how I value my mom that I have to be with her each time. So it is really hard to move on.

Others say, dead people will eventually reappear in dreams. And I waited for it to happen until Monday night. I had the chance to really say how sorry I was. Mom accepted my apology and hugged me so tight I almost felt it was true. She squeezed me and cried really hard on each others’ shoulders. Oh how I miss that warm hug from her L I really miss her. From then on, I felt relieved. If I think of her now, I don’t feel the ache in my heart as I did before, only a bit. I can freely think of her in bliss. I’m happy of what had become. Mama, I will miss you forever in this world. I love you so much!

Lord, ayaw ko pa. Wag mo muna akong kunin kawawa ang anak ko magisa niya. These were the last few heartbreaking words my mom uttered during the time of her suffrage.

No word can console my great loss right now. Every second that my mind is unoccupied, I think of her. And I still cant believe that I lost the greatest person in my life.

Mama, I know that you are very proud of me. I hope that in the smallest way I could think of, I made you happy. I was unprepared of your trip to heaven but I know you are safe in your journey. I knew you fought hard to get back for me, but your purpose in this world is over. I prayed and asked God for an extension, but there wasn’t any. You hadn’t seen me settle and I knew it was all you wanted. But you knew my plans and will stick to it through His blessings. It still pains me that you were gone. You were not only a mom to me but the best of friend, teacher, great cook and a humbled person. I promise to keep the good traits you trained me. I will forever thank you for the wonderful things you taught me and forever cherish the moments we shared together for the last 3 years of your life. I love you so much and I am missing you every second of each day, thank you and until we meet again.

She used to be my only enemy and never let me free,
Catching me in places that I know I shouldn't be,
Every other day I crossed the line,
I didn't mean to be so bad,
I never thought you would
Become the friend I never had

Back then I didn't know why,
Why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
all that you did was love,
Mama I love you,
Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,
My friend

I didn't want to hear it then but
I'm not ashamed to say it now,
Every little thing you said and did was right for me,
I had a lot of time to think about,
About the way I used to be,
Never had a sense of my responsibility.

Back then I didn't know why,
Why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
All that you did was love,
Mama I love you,
Mama I care,
Mama I love you,
Mama my friend,
My friend

But now I'm sure I know why,
Why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
All I can give you is love,
Mama I love you,
Mama I care,
Mama I love you,
Mama my friend,
My friend
Mama I love you,
Mama I care,
Mama I love you,
Mama my friend,
You're my friend

To all of you, I no longer have a parent alive. I hope that this will serve as an inspiration for you to spend each moment with your parents while you can hug them warmly, while you can say sorry, and i love you. For when the time comes, when they are gone, only in dreams will each longing be filled.